get your freak on

Who wants to see Julius Francis?
A 43 year old washed up boxer on a 14 fight losing streak best known for having the soles of his shoes sponsored.

First there was Butterbean. Then there was Tank Abbott. Even though he couldn’t be arsed to turn up for his fight- Bob Sapp taking his shirt off and squaring up to Buzz Berry is the most played clip on their TV show.

Cage Rage have put on some of the greatest fights ever seen on these isles and have been at the forefront of promoting UK Mixed Martial Arts.
Unfortunately, they also love a freakshow.
Thing is- if you’re going to do it- you may as well go the whole hog. I accept that Francis was a ‘proper’ boxing champ in his day- so what? If you’re trying to attract newbies- you need REAL big names with star quality who will bring something new to the table.

Come on guys- book one of the guys listed below and then you’ll have my interest.

 

#10 ‘Iron’ Mike Tyson
 

Kings of the freakshow Pride had the odd sniff around Tyson- and why not. The ‘Baddest Man on the Planet’ flattened everyone at his peak (and Julius Francis when he was well past it). In a sport where anyone who can jab without falling over is described as having ‘world class’ striking ability, he would obviously pose a threat.

Plus+ 

Huge name recognition.
Notorious and controversial past.
Can bang a bit.
Skint.

Minus-

Possible visa problems.
May bring the sport into disrepute by raping his opponent.
Drug issues.
 

#9 Grant Mitchell
 

Since fleeing to Rio from Albert Square with his daughter, Grant has had trouble finding his feet. After a spell in the SAS, he has flitted around the world talking to gangsters (who often don’t come across as being very hard at all). Grant Mitchell should have a complete skill set. Milling is a standard part of training for all paratroopers and he may well have built up his ground game during his exile in Rio.

Plus+

Gay icon.
His brother has worked with The Machine

Minus-

Lost his last high profile fight to his wife.
Bottled out when confronted by Vinnie Jones in Extras.
No room for any more bald Mockneys.

 

#8 Vinnie Jones

 

Seeing his hard man credentials tested away from the puffy arenas of football and acting would be enlightening. Built a football career on squeezing an alcoholic’s bollocks. Built an acting career on looking hard next to the unconvincing set of poofs he was in films with (Nick Moran, Sting etc.)

Plus+

Attract football fans.

Minus-

Attract football fans.


#7 Diego Maradonna

The greatest player ever in the biggest sport in the world. He has the raw materials to make it in Mixed Martial Arts. Throughout his career, he demonstrated tremendous balance and this has continued with his stint on the Italian version of ‘Strictly Come Dancing’. He showed great poise when picking off journalists with an air rifle, but Maradonna doesn’t need a shooter. The Wembley crowd would go wild if he recreated the flying studs to the knackers move that earned him a red card when he tried it on the Brazilian Batista at the Spain World Cup in 1982.

Plus+

Bad boy image- the dude hangs with Castro.
Instant rivalry with the Brazilians.
Would draw in millions of new Latin fans.

Minus-

Coke, smack, crack, gluttony, trafficking whores, Mafia. Almost the full set.


#6 Jeremy Kyle

If there isn’t an audience for Jeremy Kyle getting twatted, then the world is marching to the wrong beat. The guy makes a living from picking on the weakest, using his skills to humiliate others. Basically, everything that Martial Arts should not be about; but we should make an exception in his case purely for lesson teaching purposes. In that spirit- he should be horribly over matched. I would like to see him up against Tengiz or Dave Legeno. Ideally, Grant would have the night off and his replacement would be an easily distracted WWE official. A chair would mysteriously appear in the cage.

Plus+

Cage Rage would earn the gratitude of the nation.

Minus-

The oxygen of publicity for a man who does not deserve the oxygen of oxygen.



#5 Sir Elton John

 

Elton would be the first knight of the realm to take part in a high profile MMA show. His taste for showmanship and dressing up would guarantee a spectacular walk to the cage. Rumours abound that Sir Elton is seriously considering the career change. His partner David Furnish has been heard commenting Elton that Elton makes his hair stand on end whenever he enters the ring at home.

Plus+

Would not be intimidated by the idea of grappling with men on the floor for long periods.
His spell at Watford shows he gives 100% to a sport when he gets involved.

Minus-

No signs of any ability or aptitude.
Wank hair.
Would inspire acres of cheap, borderline homophobic comments from two bob website monkeys.


#4 Big Daddy

 

Forget Elton. Forget Brad Pickett. If you want an entrance that will rock Wembley to it’s foundations, imagine Big Daddy in his shiny topper, high fiving kiddies to the strains of ‘We Shall Not Be Moved’.
As for inside the cage- who will be the more effective- Daddy or Julius Francis?            Eeee-sy, Eeee-sy.
No doubt Julius can bang; but imagine the famous Daddy splash delivered from the top of the cage. Could follow the trail blazed by fellow wrestling legend Randy Couture.

Plus+

Genuine superstar of wrestling.
Massive retro appeal. Sure to attract students.

Minus-

Died in 1997.


#3 John Prescott
 

Showed great reflexes and decent technique when twatting a mullet headed, goat fingering Taff farmer in the election campaign. His overwhelming size would make him difficult to master on the deck and his croquet practice will have improved his conditioning. Needs a new outlet for his energy now the taxpayers don’t fund a secretary for him.

Plus+

Everybody loves a big fat man.

Minus-

Mangling of English language could make post fight interviews hard to understand.

 

#2 Mr T

Whaddya talking about fool? This one is a no-brainer. T was talent spotted when he was taking part in tough guy contests. In Boxing, he has worked extensively with former Heavyweight champ and coked up nutter Oliver McCall. Of course, he is no stranger to the square circle himself. If he were to recapture the ferocity that blew away Rocky Balboa and scared cornerman Mickey literally to death- the Cage Rage belt would be a cinch.

Plus+

Good hair.

Minus-

Aversion to air travel may make it hard for him to get across the pond.
Over reliance on van technology in recent fights



#1 Tupac Shakur

The most charismatic recording artist of his generation: Pac is all things to all people. Tender social commentator to THUG LIFER in one pretty package. On the venomous ‘Hit ‘Em Up’ he spat out that the Junior Mafia weren’t in his league. Obviously, he will be more at home taking on the likes of Vitor Belfort and James Thompson in the Cage Rage Heavyweight class. Shakur relishes the challenge of a bigger opponent as his ultimately disastrous feud with Notorious B.I.G. proved. Informed opinion suggests that it would be virtually impossible to submit Tupac. His resilience is legendary. Despite being dead, his recording career has gone from strength to strength and performing in the Cage should pose no problem. Nothing can stop this guy.

Plus+

Talented all round entertainer.
Credibility in America.
Regularly read the works of Sun Tzu when in prison. May well have boned up on military strategy since being killed.


Minus- May be nervy on fight nights since being shot dead after the Mike Tyson - Bruce Seldon boxing match at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas in 1996
 

home  reports  features  blog  heroes  manifesto  links

copyright hurtbusiness 2007                                               contact us