Do You Love the UFC?

The Ultimate Fighting Championship- the original, but is it the best? One thing’s for certain, you can’t ignore the UFC. Many of us can’t quite make up our minds about the daddy of all promoters. With the takeover of Pride and the invasion of Britain underway it appears to be an unstoppable force.
 

It’s time to decide which side you are on.
 

Will you scorn the unwelcome asset strippers or will you be out on the street, showering the liberating heroes with flower petals and doing unmentionable acts for a pair of nylons?
 

Find out exactly where you stand by taking the hurtbusiness: do you love the UFC test?



1 Where would you like MMA to be in 5 years time?

A Unified under one organisation. The whole world fighting under one set of rules feeding into one super series. That way, we can see the best possible fights and discover who the really is the best in each division.

B A number of strong, independent promotions. Competition’s a good thing- it will mean that promoters have to pay each fighter a fair salary. If someone puts on duff shows, the public can vote with their feet and watch an alternative. Also different rules reflect the character of different regions.

C I love boobies

2 You go to the cinema with your partner. During the film, there is a break in the action as the characters discuss an issue which is vital to the plot. Do you..

A After a couple of seconds, begin to BOOO loudly. The conversation continues. You stand and lead the rest of the cinema in a chant of BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT. Finally, you storm out, throwing a bucket of popcorn at the screen and spend an hour in the bar.

B Keen to show your deep understanding of the film, you explain each nuance of the conversation to your partner, in a voice loud enough for others to hear. You clap and shout when a character uses a sentence or phrase that you, as a cinema expert, appreciate. You nod to others behaving in this way and share silent jokes at the expense of the plebs in the audience.

C You put your hand deep into your pocket, making sure you are ‘locked and loaded’, just in case the lead actress takes her bra off.

3 What are your views on sponsorship?

A Sponsorship has no effect on me, although I do drink a lot of Xyience dietary supplement and sing the praises of Right Guard Extreme deodorant for no apparent reason.

B Sponsorship has no effect on me. Last month, I spent half my salary on stab proof clothing.

C Sponsorship has no effect on me. My eyesight is failing.


4 When I go to a gig….

A I want to see the top name bands, but that’s not all. I want to be part of a huge crowd in a state of the art stadium that gets blown away by the whole experience: lasers, light show, pyrotechnics, the whole shebang.

B I prefer a more intimate club venue. You are much closer to the action and feel more involved because you see the same people regularly. Unfortunately, the band that are advertised aren’t always the band you end up seeing. In fact, if you turn up early, there’s every chance you will be approached to fill in and get onstage yourself.

C I like the Pussycat Dolls.

5 When someone impresses you. Do you say…

A Big props to you. (Even if you are not sure what it means)

B Nice on mate.

C Can I touch them?

6 What are your views on the Cage Fighter TV show?

A A cheap, nasty affair. Two mockney wannabes talking crap to their mates, none of whom would last ten seconds on a top class promotion.

B I love it. Dave and Andy are engaging hosts who turn a lot of new people on to the sport. The show has high production values and features plenty of entertaining action. The studio guests are given a chance to put across themselves and we see their true personalities. I prefer this to seeing fighters being shot in darkness, spouting sub-WWE smack talk while being hosed down in a manner that is, to be frank, gay. Cage fighter is light hearted but pays full respect to the fighters. It is good for MMA.

C If you cover half the screen with your hand and squint, you can almost imagine that their heads are a pair of tits.

7 What is the best way to decide who gets a title shot?

A A reality TV show.

B A reality TV show (if it results in Rosi Sexton v Jade Goody).

C Wet T-shirt competition.

8 What is your view of Tesco.

A They are successful because they give the public what they want. The shops are clean, the prices are fantastic and they offer a wide selection. Sure they are all the same, but that’s because they have developed a winning formula. Smaller shops go out of business because they are simply not as good as Tesco.

B I prefer supporting my local shops- they have character. Admittedly, some of them stink, the crisps are often out of date and the mad old woman in the offy is always accusing me of shoplifting, but without my support, they may close down. I don’t want to put money in the pocket of a multi billion pound corporation. I’d rather give it to local people trying to make a crust.

C Some of the checkout girls look pure filth.

9 Dana is…

A A breath of fresh air. You can tell he’s a true fan and his no nonsense approach is fantastic. He tells it like it is and slaps down the jealous no marks who slag off the UFC. He is a man who looks far more attractive since he lost his hair. The vigorous, thrusting face of the sport of the future.

B A loud mouthed prick. Everything that is wrong with America in one package.

C That Israeli she / he who won Eurovision a couple of years ago. Usually has them pushed together in photo’s. Obviously fake but still look tasty. Probably safest to do her up the tradesmen’s to avoid causing structural damage.

10 Boxing is…

A The enemy who will be destroyed. A corrupt shambles.

B The noble art. I still follow it and go to the odd live fight. You have to respect the skill and power of boxers. There’s plenty of room for both of us.

C I liked Catfight.

11 What is your idea of the perfect Octagon Girl?

A A flawless, Californian goddess. The personfication of beauty. An unattainable fantasy girl who confidently struts her stuff.

B A pretty local girl who feels a bit awkward when her moment finally comes. A girl who realises that what she is doing is a bit dumb and therefore, does not put her heart and soul into it. Willing to clearly tell leering pissheads to FUCK OFF if they overstep the mark.

C The whole idea of having ring girls is pathetic. A sad and sorry spectacle that demeans all of us: male and female. How can we hope for female participation in MMA when we still have women there purely to be viewed as ornamental objects appealing to the lowest urges of man? If you truly cannot appreciate a fight night without some the involvement of some low sexual element, you should do what I do and stop off at the massage parlour for a £20 soapy tit wank on the way home.

12 My idea of a perfect fight night is…

A A late night PPV from the USA. Get a few of the guys round and get in a few cases of Bud, some hot dogs and a pot of chilli. Everyone wears Evolution T-shirts. We high five and whoop it up as we watch the top guys in the world of MMA on my 42” plasma screen.

B A UK promotion at a leisure centre. Pay a few quid extra to get a VIP table with some mates to save queuing up for a pint. See some proper scraps from close enough to get sprays of sweat in my beer. Enjoy the atmosphere as enthusiastic camps cheers on their guys. Talk to fighters in the bar two minutes after the end of their fight. Get wet on the way home.

C Take 3 Viagra. Drink a pint of Vodka and Red Bull. Put a banana and a melon in the microwave. When hot, make a hole in the melon then shove the banana up your arse. Press play to start the DVD: Playboy - Voluptuous Vixens. Enter the melon. Repeat until comatose.

13 What are you doing on 21 April 2007.

A Going to the UFC at the MEN arena.

B Going to Cage Rage at Wembley.

C I refer you to my answer for question 12.


Results

All As: You are Dana White.
 

Your ambition- to rule the world from an undersea headquarters, guarded by men wearing orange UFC wetsuits.

Mostly As: WHOO- HOO. It’s UFC all the way baby. You won’t accept any homegrown tatt. You want the biggest and the best. You are deeply unsatisfied in your life and have an insatiable desire to acquire as much stuff as possible.
 

Your ambition- to have the biggest telly in the world.

Mostly Bs: Cor Blimey, Alright Pal, See You Jimmy- you’re a true UK MMA guy and no mistake. You find people who talk about how much their house is worth intensely boring and have your hair cut at a proper barbers shop.
 

Your ambition- to see better quality UK shows. Not to lose any teeth in sparring.

Mostly Cs: Tit’s, busters, bazookas- for you it’s all about the knockers. You find anything that isn’t hooter related boring.
 

Your ambition- to live with Barbara Winsor on a melon farm in 1975.